Duc in altum

Hardly anyone notices that some of our corporate files have drops of blood on them.

This is because several times a day, I get papercuts and deep wounds from metal fasteners used in our corporate clients' folders. I have become oblivious and even used to the pain, and the sight of blood no longer bothers me. For me, they have become my war wounds, my simple reminders that I'm fortunate enough to have a job and the means to apply myself to something greater than myself each day. However, there are times when the spots of blood on our documents also make me sad. They remind me of a time when life was just carefree and light, when all I got worried about were papers and exams.

They also make me sad because they remind me that I am on my own now in the adult world. My family could only do so much. I am already capable of making my own decisions, and these spots of blood tell my story each day of how I organize my life while organizing my own division's files. By bleeding with cuts that are unintentional, I am intentionally moving forward by subtracting the unnecessary baggages of yesterday and adding to my experience bank, from which I could withdraw in the future when I am in need of personal strength. And when I remember these thoughts, I am no longer sad. Rather, I remember my own self-purpose.

These drops of blood no longer become the marks of clumsiness. They are elevated to the dots which I ought to connect in order to reach my full potential. And hopefully in time, I will bleed less and grow some more.

I've only started commuting from work recently, and it's been an adventure for me so far. For someone who's used to being driven around since childhood, riding in public vehicles can truly be a paradigm shift.

It all started when I got sick of the daily traffic jams I experienced with my dad. Since I already got used to the people in my workplace, I've decided that it's high time for me to begin using public transport. My daily encounters with people from all walks of life has convinced me that I should be exposed to the real world some more. After a long time of convincing my folks, they finally gave in. I was to commute home everyday.

The MRT has become a crash course for sociology for me. By listening to the conversations I overhear, I get to glimpse different perspectives on just about anything under the sun. Once, I overheard two young women talking about abortion. As it turns out, one of them has been unexpectedly knocked-up, and is considering a trip to a "manghihilot" to terminate her pregnancy. Luckily, during the duration of the trip, her companion has successfully discouraged her from doing so, by telling her that she could suffer from fatal side-effects from the backyard abortion. That particular conversation sent chills down my spine because there could be many more young women in the metro who are considering abortion. What if not call of them can be convinced that doing so would be something they'd regret in the end? I know that it's none of my business, but I still couldn't help being affected by that conversation. It was just another train ride, but it made me think.

Another time, I was standing in the corner when I overheard two women talking about their respective families. One of them has a father who recently remarried a woman who was only a few years older than her. Her mother already passed away three years ago, and she still can't come into terms with her mother's passing. Her friend, who said that her parents and siblings are all in the province, told her to accept that her mother is already in a better place. She should also be thankful that her father has a companion. Both of them remained silent until they alighted at the Cubao station. Again, it's none of my business, but I felt thankful that my family is intact and relatively free from drama.

Being new in public transport, I am still amused with the various portraits of humanity that is presented to me everyday. Some of them are just happy reflections of carefree youth, while some, like the two examples above, are more serious in nature. My sheltered upbringing has not prepared me to be faced with such real-life encounters, but my readings in school and in the books I've devoured through the years has taught me that empathizing with people who are different from me will make me a better person and it could also enrich my perspective as well. Being a lone commuter, I have the luxury to observe people, yet I also know that I cannot judge them. The least I could do are to pray for them and to learn from their mistakes. And of course, to look at myself and to see which areas need fine-tuning on my part.

Tomorrow, I'll be a lone commuter again, and my eyes will once again witness different kinds of people. I wonder what I'll encounter next.

I just hope that I'll never be derailed.

So I just went to Manila Ocean Park yesterday with a couple of friends. It was my birthday treat to them in celebration of my 23rd birthday. I know what you're thinking: why would someone who's just turned 23 choose to hang out with her close friends in an aquarium? Well, let's just say that I am still amused and fascinated with simple things. I think animals are really therapeutic, and fish can really uplift one's senses. When I entered Manila Ocean Park, I chose not to compare it with the aquariums I've been to in other countries. Instead, I chose to enjoy the moment for what it was worth.

When I saw the sea creatures, I really got awed that most of them were locally sourced.I read their descriptive captions. There was even this tank filled with untreated water from Manila Bay. It was a sad sight because only shell fish could survive in it.  However, I didn't dwell on the lack of living creatures in that particular tank. Rather, I saw hope that more creatures could thrive in its waters if only there would be a more conscious effort to keep the Manila Bay clean. It could someday sustain a more varied ecosystem if only people will band together and the government will really prioritize its clean-up. More creatures will hold residence in its waters, and the future will see a more diverse Manila Bay.

When we rode the glass-bottom boat, we saw the filtration system the park utilized to treat Manila Bay's water in order for it to sustain the lives of the park's many sea creatures. I saw that it was huge and it looked complicated. It was then that I realized that changing ourselves and ditching our old, counter-productive habits can really be tedious. It is a huge effort, a continuous one, and it isn't for the faint of heart. Yet, it is plausible and feasible, as long as we have the support of those who genuinely care for us. Once we've gotten the hang of it, being good is no longer that complicated. We could simplify our reasons for being and reassess our priorities without freaking out and whatnot. We could also just go with the flow and ride along the current of life. At the end of the day, we could just chill out and remember our memories. Contentment, then, is no longer elusive.

I am writing this on my friends' present- a new leather planner. It has blank pages, meaning I could have a fresh start in the middle of 2009. Just in time for my 23rd birthday! Besides, I could use a new companion for my coffee shop moments. This is my first entry on my new planner's notes section, and I'm thinking of blogging this later. Who knows, maybe my thoughts on fish, filtered water, and personal growth could also help my friends. Anyway, it's my blog. I can't fill it up with ideas that have been merely forced upon me. That would deem them inauthentic. My leather-bound ideas, however, have been sparked by my own experiences, as well as by coffee, iced tea, and frozen yogurt. And of course, by random texts and late-night conversations with people who care to go with the flow with me.

By the way, I tried the fish spa yesterday at Manila Ocean Park, and I really liked it! I was ticklish at first and it was unbearable, but after I've warmed up to the nibble fish, I felt relaxed and my feet felt brand new. Nothing beats a new experience to inspire me to walk taller and wiser- not to mention, more alive, especially after shedding off my old skin (literally!).

So what's the use of talking about change and trying to be a better version of me if I wouldn't execute it in real life? I just need time, patience, and of course, the will to really carry on with it. And I'll write about it. Nothing beats a chronicled journey. Hopefully, it would lead to a well-examined existence.

So here's to more happy days and more opportunities to grow. Here's to a stronger, more stable self. And here's to genuine loved ones who care to silently cheer me on.

I can't wait to celebrate each day of my 23rd year with all of these ideas in mind!

It's about time that I start WRITE now.:)

reality check: life may be a mess sometimes but i still have a lot to smile about :D

I've just been gifted with some pretty neat presents this weekend. After having a rough week in the workplace, receiving presents from people who mean more than these material goodies has uplifted my spirits and of course, reminded me that life is truly about the people who love us even when the going gets tough.

My godmother and her friend gave me a charm bracelet. It's shiny, chunky, and heavy. It is just the way I like it. I love my accessories to be flamboyant and I have a weakness for cute things. This present reminded me that life may at times be heavy and too burdensome for my shoulders, but there is always a brighter side and a silver lining in every dark situation. And of course, my family will love me no matter what, and they'll always know what could make me happy.

A girlfriend gave me a saucy novel that's bound to be my bedside staple for the next few days. It's my favorite author's latest opus, and I love the fact that she bought it for me before I had the time to trek to a bookstore to get my own copy. Now that's proof that the people who know us best are somehow connected to us intuitively. But that's not my favorite part of the gift. She made me this card made of pictures that spelled her name, my name, and I just found it cheesy and cute in a "bff forever" way. Yes, the priceless things are still the worth more than material things. To have them in my life already means that I must have done something right in my lifetime.

And a bottle or two of white wine can truly work wonders between people who have a lot to talk about in one night. Talk about bottled thoughts being released and laughter which has been suppressed the whole workday. I can't seem to pinpoint how and why I just felt so free that night. But at that time, I just felt so glad to be with the people who mean the world to me. Great wine, great company, and a renewed sense of self in my part. Now that's something that's not supposed to be bottled up for the next few months or so.

I wish everyone would realize that presents aren't just about the material things themselves. They symbolize a lot of immaterial things which could define and enrich our lives. Let us always take the time to step back and appreciate them for what they really mean to us. And of course, let us never forget to be grateful to those who unceasingly give more so that we could be whole. Cheers!

So I've been away from school for a year now. Yay. I know that by now I should be able to tell my professors that I've already applied what I have learned in school. However, that is not exactly the case. While I have yet to dazzle my bosses with my education in the Humanities, I have learned much more about reality than I could ever imagine. Yes , people, I learned that life isn't easy...and that the best things in life aren't always that obvious.

For a fresh grad, I am extremely fortunate to land a position in the financial industry at a time where there is a financial crisis. I work at a top bank (which I'd rather not divulge for purposes of propriety and confidentiality) which is located in a swanky skyscraper in Makati. Every time I enter our building, its magnitude never ceases to mesmerize me. I am awed by the apparent luck that I have right now, and I am grateful that I am employed. But sometimes, things aren't as glamorous as they seem.

There are times when I lose my cool, when I am flustered and frustrated, and when I am blamed for mistakes which I haven't even committed. I have eaten fast food fare and scrimped on my resources, and I have learned to budget my limited paycheck. This is my life as a rank-and-file employee. I was used to being the smart girl in school who barely had to work hard to stay afloat academically. And now, I work extra hard in order to perform basic functions at my division (Corporate Banking). It is stressful, but when I do complete my tasks, I am fulfilled and quite pleased with myself. I have fostered friendships with some people in our building, and I am happy to have made a good impression as I carry on my work. I have learned that stress can make me monstrous. My loved ones have taught me to curb my anger and frustration, though. Now, from being panicky person, I have been humbled by my newbie status and at the same time, thankful that I am learning new lessons on a daily basis. Having been regularized in less than three months of service is the icing on the cake, and hardwork really has its sweet rewards.

I have learned the hard way to keep personal details to myself, especially when I am pestered by people who don't necessarily have my best intentions at heart. The world is after all, a ruthless society, and I could not just be the nice girl. I have to step up my game without stepping on people's toes, and I have to be professional even when everything seems to fall apart. From being the girl who's used to the good life, I am now the girl who is faced with the real world everyday. All it takes is proper discernment, and I know that I'll be able to hurdle through any challenge hurled at me.

I sometimes forget to examine the present, which is why I sometimes feel resentful that I can't go to law school immediately and I can't always buy what I want. But whenever I hear stories of people being laid-off and companies folding up, I realize that some people would give up an arm and a leg in order to be in my current position. I then work on my temper and my attitude, because in these trying times, a weak heart can get me nowhere but in the dumps.

I have plans for the future, such as travelling with a girlfriend and eating out more often. However, paying for my own stuff is my number one priority, and I can no longer follow my heart every time. This is my cue to grow up and make more mature decisions. I hope in time I will be able to master the art of balancing a well-managed savings account and a meaningful life.

I have been working for less than a year, and yet I have learned more lessons than I ever have in the classroom. I hope that my professors will understand that I am just a girl trying her best to be a grown-up. I will never let anyone down.